When I was working on my undergrad degree there was a group of us who were the closest of friends. We called ourselves the three musketeers and we were rarely found without one of the other. As important as this friendship was to me and my developement I couldnt help but feeling as if that friendship would function just fine without me. I always felt like they were the friends and I was the tag along.
I tell you this because it sets up what is to come. My entire life I have existed on the periphery. I have lived my life flitting from the outskirts of group to group, never quite belonging. I’ve had friends, but I’ve never felt integral to those relationships. I’ve had some time to think while my insomnia has been keeping me from sleeping and I have come to the conclusion that just when I thought I had found a place to belong amongst the kink community, it is happening again. I’m an outsider in an insiders world, pretending that I belong. This weekend, as we speak actually, hundreds of kinksters, including several with whom I am closely aquanted, are gathered less than 200 miles from me, yet I am here, working, home alone. I made the excuse that I couldn’t get the time off of work, yet thats not all together true. I feel like I was discouraged from attending by Daddy and another really close friend. I wasn’t ready, or it was too late to make plans, or multiple other reasons that were listed, some of which had validity, I must admit.
I am on the periphery again. A fun distraction while they wait for the real kinksters to play. I am not ok. Do not mistake my point. I am not trying to blame them, the blame is all my own. But it is the way that I feel.
I have been thinking about my relationship with Daddy a lot in the last few days. On wednesday, Daddy and I had a talk about where we stood and discussed becoming more heavily involved in my submission and training. Even after that talk, in which I was assigned to think about some protocols I would like to enstate, I feel distant. Several times today I made up my mind to tell Daddy I couldn’t continue in our relationship. I had all but decided that I couldn’t be a part of this. I’m not on that brink anymore, but I am still seriously questioning whether this is for me.
Someone asked me whether this was all about Daddy being married. No. It isn’t about his husband. He and I talked about the fact that I am a naturally jealous person, which is just wonderful when I am also polyamourous (another discussion, another time.) I don’t feel any jealousy towards his husband. What I feel has much more to do with the fact that in his position as a Daddy as opposed to a Sir, he trains and protects multiple other boys. As we speak he is probably using some poor boy and having a blast. I am happy for him, truly, but I don’t know if I can be a part of that. When I told him that I respect and understand that he is giving me everything that he can I meant every word of it. But there is a large difference between respect and understanding, and being ok with something. Today, I am not ok with that. Who knows where I will be on Monday, when I see Daddy again.
Part of the issue is my own natural insecurities. My brain keeps telling me that “If I were a good enough boy, Daddy wouldn’t need those other boys.” I know this isn’t the case. I know intelectually that it is not the case in the slightest. But I feel the way that I feel, and there is a huge difference between knowing intelectually and knowing something in the heart.
What I know in my heart today is that I do truly enjoy submission. I enjoy the time that I spend with Daddy, but my feelings go beyond that. Up to this point I was ok with the fact that Daddy will never be to me what I truly want him to. Right now, I don’t know if that is the case.
That is where I am at this point. Honesty is the best policy right?